A Fickle Heart
- Emily Day
This week we finished our study of Samuel and ended with Psalms. We ended with a creative assignment, to really get into the heart of the Psalms. Psalms are human expression at it’s finest - the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, people crying out to God in various crises, and also praising God in their victories and distress.
I struggled to relate to the Psalms for two reasons. For one, I am just so dang blessed, and while the Psalms that cry out from very dark places made me thankful for my blessings, I didn’t empathize with the Psalmist. I was convicted about my second reason I didn’t relate, in that, most times, my heart does not long for the Lord in the way that the Psalmists speaks of his heart. A thirsting, a desperate desire to be with God... I was convicted that this was lacking in my life.
In response, I wrote my own Psalm - the Psalm of a Fickle Heart:
The Psalm of a Fickle Heart
O God, you are a gracious God
Yet I cringe to come before you
with my fickle heart
A half-hearted searcher,
with one foot in the door,
and the other ready to flee at a moment’s notice
Of your deeds, I know much
Of your character, the evidence overflows
Yet I sit on the fence,
Refusal of full abandon etched into my stony spirit
I straddle two universes,
the reality of you, and the fleetingness of this world
Why, O God, do I catch myself craving this world?
How I wish my spirit truly thirsted for you
Why, O my soul, do you forget to spend time with your creator?
How I long for a heart of complete reliance on you
You, O God, have bestowed upon me a path of blessing,
And I have repaid you with a mind of forgetfulness,
with a heart of dissatisfaction
Dangerous is the road with much trial and persecution,
but more dangerous still is the path of self reliance,
the lonely journey of self-fulfillment
At my lowest, I drew near to you
Yet when you raised me to my feet, I wandered,
you raised me up and I drifted away
O God, you are long suffering with me
For you call and I wave, but I do not come near
For you call and I respond, but I do not dwell with you
I forsake the gift of rest in your presence,
for the illusion of rest in the world.
How I hate myself for my two-faced nature!
How I desire to put an end to the hypocrite inside!
It is beyond my reasoning to understand why you still call,
No rational friend would have stayed with me this long
It is beyond my comprehension that you still reach out to me,
When I have slapped your hand away so many times
Yet, your steadfast, long suffering, love remains,
and all you ask for is this stony spirit
So that you may mold it like yours, O God,
all you ask of this half-hearted searcher is her fickle heart.